Life reboot

Well, it's been about eight months since I last blogged. Life has been so hectic that I just haven't been able to. Plus, with Facebook, who blogs anymore? Maybe not even me, but I do miss those days when I wrote every day in my journal for several years running. It was therapeutic, if nothing else.

The good news is, I'm in much better shape than I was a year ago. I saw how I wrote about being very tired after swimming 3/4 mile. For the last six months, I've been swimming at least a mile twice and more often three times a week, and I've been more careful about my diet. I feel a lot better, my resting pulse is in the 50's, and I have lost over 20 pounds since last year. I am consistently below 180 after my workouts now, and I feel like I have a lot more energy.

On the other hand, some days I feel utterly drained, but that is because of what's been going on in my personal life. I read my old post about Prop 8 today. I stand by what I said, but with (1) much more empathy towards gay individuals, and (2) a sense of bitter irony, because H has come out of the closet and is leaving me. It's actually been a year, but we tried professional and priesthood counseling and anything else we could think of. But, things continued to deteriorate as H decided that this means she wants to order her life and priorities differently in other ways as well. She has said some things over the past year that have been very difficult for me to hear, and this is the most difficult thing I have ever faced.

Yet, my faith is in Jesus Christ and is not dependent on outcomes. My goal remains obedience to Him and to have an eternal family, and I am not giving up on that goal because of this painful turn of events. In fact, it has done much to strip away some of my pride and misplaced focus on worldly things and driven me to my knees in supplication to the Almighty. I would not seek this or wish it on anybody, whether the straight or the gay spouse, but I am trying to use it as a learning experience to become a better person. But, I admit, it has been very hard.

The papers have been filed, we are living more or less separately, the house is hopefully sold, and we are just waiting the required period before the divorce can become final in a few weeks. I went and looked at homes tonight with our Realtor. I have a fairly small set of homes to view because we are trying to stay in the same school boundaries, but I think I have identified a decent home that I can get at a decent price. There are a few areas that need some work, but it is mostly a very good layout and a good size, about 2,900 sf. That's ample for me, J, and L, and could easily accommodate more family members later if circumstances change.

Well, there is so much more I could say, but I'll leave it at that for now. I don't know if I'll blog again or not, since much of what I am thinking is so personal, but I appreciate the prayers and support of my family and other loved ones during this difficult time. I don't wish any ill on H, either, and want to move forward in a cooperative and healthy way. One positive is, while we don't always agree on what this means, we are both trying to keep foremost the best interests of the children.